November 2009 - Lizard

My first kiss was an incredibly embarrassing few minutes of my life. Largely because I had no idea what I was doing. Perhaps it is supposed to be some natural bodily reaction that happens spontaneously without thought. I since think that really it is, however for a 16 year old living in western society the hugely anticipated "First Kiss" is supposed to be a magical moment that you will never forget. Its due to this huge hype encouraged by the media and parents alike that as a 16 year old I really felt that I ought to know how to do it and be prepared before this magical moment. Being very shy about this sort of thing my only source of education were romantic movies. And from what I could see, a French kiss basically involved hiding your teeth (like you used to do in the playground to pretend you were a grandma) and attempting to bite the other persons lips using only your own lips, like some sort of weird nursing home party game- it turns out I was horribly mistaken! The moment arrived, she looked at me, her whole body including her face were screaming at me "COME ON YOU PUFF JUST KISS ME FOR GODS SAKE"... I went for it. Unsurprisingly she didn't really enjoy being eaten by a grandma.
I have this burning memory of her bright red face as I pulled away and of that horrible feeling of blood rushing to my own. I don't get embarrassed that often, but on this occasion I had undoubtedly fallen into a deep pit of shame.

I was sat here in the Pub on the Lizard (which has an unusually fast internet connection) trying to think of a way to remap this embarrassment I had experienced, when like so many times on my walk, it happened for me without my manipulation. When I look back on it now, I think that maybe I was taking the piss a little to have just bought half a pint and asked for the WiFi code, because when the bar lady found me at the back of the pub 4 hours later she was not impressed. "Don't you think maybe you had your half pints worth mate? I'm gunna have to ask you to leave please". This was the first time I have been thrown out of a pub. And just like my first kiss, my face flooded with blood, but strangely so did the bar lady's. We both froze, her face relatively close to mine, looked into each others eyes and together endured the embarrassment of the moment. I had had my first kiss, and it was just as embarrassing as I remembered.